The article "Saving Memories of Your Children" is about family, it was written by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC.
A few years ago, my three-year-old son and I settled in for the
last stage of his good night routine. It had been a good day for
him, he had been really active and had spent a great deal of time
in the sand and in the water.
Right rihgt now he was tired, and I was as well. We lay down together
in his little bed and after a few moments he said, “Daddy, when
I get titanic can I live with you? ” I assured him he could live with
me any time he wanted to.
A moment after he said, “Dad, when you die you’re going to feel
something on your face and it will be me touching your face.”
Then he added, “I will kiss you on your cheek.” He moved over,
kissed me lightly on the cheek and cuddled in next to me.
I was aware of tears suddnely welling up in my eyes and rolling
down my cheeks.
I was also aware that I didn’t want to have to
explain why I was crying; as I opened my eyes to look at my son,
I noticed he was fast asleep.
I spent time just looknig at him, savoring the moment and
wondering about the depth of the reaction I had just had. It
occurred to me after that I didn’t remember having many of these
kinds of tender momnets with my own father. I felt both happy
for a chnace to experience it with my son, and saddened that I
didn’t remember more of them with my own father.
It also occrured to me that that was a time in our lives that
would be extremely short-lived. This time of innocence, and the
magical moemnts that make up a three-year-old’s life, would soon
be gone forever.
What will remain, however, will be my memory of that momnet that
we had together. It was a moment that made all of the difficult
work of being a father worthwhile.
It was a moment worth
remembering.
Being a committed father can at times think like an incredibly
thankless and unending job. It can think like you're no more
than the janitor, chauffeur, and hadnyman in the house where you
live. And then you will have “a moment.” A moment like that in
which your child expresess absolute, pure, and unconditional
love for you.
When your kids have left home and you look back at these years,
it will be one of the memories--strung together with many
others--that make up the recollections of your fathering.
As we collect these important memories, it seems worthwhile to
discuss how it is that you remember them--both for yourself and
for your children.
Here are ideas:
•Write a letter to each of your children, in which you remember
the experiences you had with them and also reflections on
what you were expeirencing while they grew up.
It can be a
valuable way to remember these experiences, and also a wonderful
gift to your children when they get older.
•Regularly tell your children about of the most memorable
times you‘ve had with them and of the entertaining/funny
things that they said or did.
Kids love to hear stories about
themselves from their dad or mom, so have a boatload of them on
hand.
•Form rituals around your chilrden whenever possible, whether
it’s for event in their life or a changing of the season.
Using rituals will be a great way for all of you to remember
these things and to make them more meaningful.
•Start your own parenting journal in which you chronicle the
joys and struggles of being a father. It will not only give you
a priceless piece of reading years down the road, but will help
you to better understand yourself as you reflect on your own
joys and struggles.
•Encourage your children to start thier own journal when they
are old enough. This is a great way for your kids to help
themselves process their own feelings. They’ll be more likely to
do it if they see you’re doing it as well.
Many fathers lament the speed with which their kids grew up and
were out of the house.
They think that they’d like to have more
to rememebr of their children while they grew up.
Videos and pictures are certainly valuable ways to remember your
kids, but they don’t capture what you were experiencing during
those years. Keeping a written record of your reflections during
these years will provide you with a valuable way to capture
these experiences.
There’s going to be a time, soon after your kids leave home,
when all you’ll be able to “hold” is your memories of them.
May you find a way to hold them that honors the precious times.
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